


Craig of the BREAD

by Sketchris



Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Craig of the Dead, Craig of the Dead AU, Cute Domestic Shit, Fluff and Angst, Have you guys listened to the playlist??????, I'll link it in the notes, M/M, Pet Names, Pictures, Zombie Apocalypse, i guess, it's soooo good and its all ive been listening to for the past like month, like images are part of the text, there are images, they're like 16-17, tuckerenthusiast, word count is actually around 4300
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 04:10:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14608995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sketchris/pseuds/Sketchris
Summary: Craig was on his way to Tweek's house for movie night date when it happened.





	Craig of the BREAD

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by tuckerenthusiast's [Craig of the Dead au](https://tuckerenthusiast.tumblr.com/tagged/craig+of+the+dead) which I have thoroughly fallen in love with and cannot stop thinking about. 
> 
> Dedicated to magnetoBURRITO, who is my best friend, the love of my life (no homo), a continuing source of inspiration to me, and most importantly, introduced me to south park as well as craig of the dead. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy
> 
> P.S. If anyone is having trouble viewing the images in the story, lemme know so I can make a transcript.
> 
> I draw south park stuff and reblog all the creeks @ chullopa.tumblr.com :'D

Today was the day, Craig realized with excitement building in his chest. Tweek’s parents were going to be away all night, which meant full, uninterrupted access that fancy new flat-screen TV in the living room. Combine that with Craig’s newly acquired Cornetto Trilogy DVD Set and access to a plethora of snack foods, and they had themselves an evening of quality time and fun. Movie marathon dates were Craig’s favorites, and they had both seen the Cornetto Trilogy enough times to where they could quote it and be comfortable talking during the movie. 

Unfortunately, today was also Saturday, which meant household chores. Of course, there were the daily things like sweeping and such, but saturdays were reserved for more of the deep-cleaning kind of chores. Saturdays were for doing the weekly things such as cleaning Stripe’s cage, doing laundry, taking out the trash, etcetera etcetera.

It was okay though, since they didn’t plan on meeting until around 5 anyway, since that was around the time Tweek’s parents would be out of the house. It wasn’t like they didn’t know Craig was coming over to be alone with his boyfriend, but the small talk between Craig and the parents was almost unbearable. Ideally, he liked to avoid social interaction with all but his closest friends, but dates were only for him and Tweek, so their plans took this into account. It was all standard movie night procedure.

 

By around 1 pm, all chores were finished and he was free to spend the next couple hours on his own, which he spent eating lunch and watching TV until around 4:30, when it was time to get everything together and make his way to Tweek’s house in what he hoped to be a timely manner. 

So quickly, Craig ran upstairs, filling his backpack with everything he would need overnight— a change of clothes, deodorant, toothbrush, etc. — before making his way to the pantry to acquire the snacks they would be in dire need of for the entire evening and— nothing. All the snacks (save for two pocket-sized bags of plain pretzels) had vanished, which was extraordinarily weird since they just went grocery shopping the night before and Craig was sure that the pantry was now significantly less snackless than it had been that morning. He had a sneaking suspicion as to why.     

Craig rapped on his sister’s bedroom door after trudging up the stairs.

“Yeah? Who is it?” Tricia’s voice was heard from inside. 

“Excuse me Tricia but what the fuck?”    

“‘What the fuck’ yourself, ass-face.”

“Don’t play that shit with me, I know it was you.”

“You gotta be more specific than that, Craigory.”

“All of the snacks are gone.”

“So? I left the bags of pretzels, you can take those.”

“That’s not nearly enough and you know it”

“Shove off, dickbutt. I  _ know _ it’s movie night with Tweek and I’m  _ not _ going snackless for lunch the whole week this time.”

Craig rattled the doorknob. “Unlock the door, Trish.” 

 

There was a beat of silence.

 

“You couldn’t see it but I was flipping you off just now,” Tricia said. 

“You can’t do this forever you know. They’re not yours.”

“I know, I’m going to put all of them back tomorrow— _ after _ your date. You misunderstand my intentions, fucko, I’m not going to eat them all with my  _ boyfriend  _ like some self-indulgent asshole. This is about protecting the innocent. My room is a haven for all crunchy carbohydrate snacks and you are forbidden from entering.”

“Wait, since when do you have a boyfriend?”

“I don’t, I was alluding to you, numb-nuts.” 

“You can’t just have movie night without snacks, that’s fucking barbaric.”

“Just go to the store and buy your own, dumbass.”

“Fine.” Fine. It was obvious to Craig that this conversation would never lead anywhere.

 

Sighing, Craig removed his phone from his pocket as he made his way down the stairs. 

 

Luckily, the grocery store wasn’t too far from his house, although unfortunately located in the opposite direction from Tweek’s house. Craig made it to the grocery store after a rather uneventful walk. He walked into the store with purpose, knowing exactly what he wanted to get and where to get it. After grabbing a large bag of cheesy poofs, some sun chips, a liter of Dr. Pepper to share, some butterfingers bars, and a loaf of bread, he shuffled his way to the check out.

Placing the bread and snacks on the counter, Craig looked expectantly at the cashier with “Harold” written in bold letters on his nametag. He wasn’t unfamiliar with the middle-aged man with the curly brown hair at the cash register, knowing him as an acquaintance in passing. Today, however, he was obviously different. His face was slightly off-colored and flushed. Sweat drenched parts of his work shirt as well as the large bandage wrapped onto his left arm. 

“Heya, Craig,” Harold greeted. Oh no. Small talk. A conversation going nowhere that would only serve to be an uncomfortable waste of time. This was the last thing Craig needed.

“Hey,” Craig replied, sealing his fate.

“How's it?” Harold’s hands shook as he scanned each item. Craig noticed the delay in his breathing. 

“I mean, it’s fine, I guess. Um. Are you like, okay?” Craig raised an eyebrow at the man. 

“Ha, you can tell?” Harold feigned a smile.

“Yeah, you look like shit,” Craig admitted. Harold sighed.

“Not surprising. I've been feelin’ like it too. Wasn’t exactly at 100% earlier either. I had a light fever, but I figured it wasn’t serious enough to call in today, you know? My daughter Sarah, her birthday’s this week. I really wanted to do something special. Plus I could always use the extra cash, you know?” Harold explained. He looked a little off-balance, his eyes wandering, feet shifting weight slightly as he scanned the last item. “That’ll be $16.21”

“You look sick,” Craig placed a $20 on the counter. “ _ Really _ sick.” Harold nodded with a labored sigh. 

“Well, I certainly don’t feel any better since I started my shift a couple hours ago. I think my fever’s getting worse. Maybe I should see a doctor or something…” 

“You probably should,” Craig took his groceries. 

“Yeah,” Harold nodded. “Okay I’ll do that. Thanks, kid. Tell your boyfriend I said hi.”

“Yep,” Craig made his way to the double doors dividing the store from the outside. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket with a few incoming messages. The ‘ping’ tone that accompanied each one told him that they were texts from Tweek.

“Oh and hey Craig,” he stopped upon hearing his name. “Be careful out there tonight, yeah? Got a lot of druggies and crazy people hangin’ around lately.” Harold held up his bandaged arm to illustrate his point. 

Craig nodded before leaving the store, passing by a woman loading groceries from cart to trunk. A light breeze caught onto a stray plastic bag and led it through the parking lot. He made his way to the sidewalk and picked up the pace, anxious to get to his destination, his phone still vibrating on the occasion with more messages. 

 

Daylight still touched down from the veil of clouds, though sun was rapidly approaching its nightly horizon. Craig watched the fog escape his nose in puffs as he walked the sidewalk past a gas station nearby.  In the middle of the lot was a single glossy black high heel shoe with its owner nowhere to be seen. He continued along his path.

Craig’s phone vibrated in his pocket again. He grunted. This must have been the tenth one so far, but he wasn’t about to put his bags down to check what Tweek had sent him, especially when he was only a 15 minute walk from his house. 

Craig noticed an odd shape in a distant parking lot behind a car, which, as he walked, he realized to be legs ending in men’s dress shoes. The owner of said legs was blocked from view by two crouching men with their backs turned to him. Craig felt lingering apprehension quickly grow into fear stemming from the pit of his stomach. He smelled something rancid, but it could have been the bile threatening to rise in his stomach. his pulse fluttered in his neck. He willed himself to continue walking, increasing his pace. He knew about the story of cats and curiosity, and he wasn’t about to put that aesop to the test. 

 

The sky darkened as time passed and Craig found himself looking behind his shoulder frequently. Only a couple minutes later did his eye catch something; someone walking the same sidewalk, about a block behind. The cashier’s warning echoed in his mind, arguing with the voice that reasoned that it could just be another citizen with a destination in the same general direction.

He looked behind him at the figure, now slightly bigger against the horizon. He could see their gait; one foot clumsily in front of the other as though unsure of their footing.  _ Definitely drunk, _ Craig thought to himself.  _ Or on drugs _ .  A couple more texts rang out from his pocket. Craig quickened his pace slightly to match his steadily increasing heart rate. He breathed deeply and often, hoping to keep calm. A voice in his head was urging him:  _ run _ .

He made a split second decision to take a left turn onto another street and forced himself to walk as casually as he could, hoping the shake in his legs wouldn’t betray his steady steps.

 

_ Run. _

 

As soon as the stranger disappeared out of view behind one of the houses, a voice in his head told him again: 

 

_ RUN.  _

 

Adrenaline carried his legs faster than his mind could think. He ran past the sides of houses until he located a dumpster on the side of the road. Skidding to a halt, he crouched on its far side. He could see the sidewalk he had just been walking on through the gap separating dumpster from building wall. He sat and waited for the stranger to pass him by, hoping he wasn’t right about being followed. He felt exposed where the dumpster wasn’t shielding his body, there was too much space around him, too much air touching his skin. 

Craig became all too aware of the noises his body was making; the of pounding his heart in his ears, his hissing breaths, every little accidental scuff of shoe on cement. He covered his nose and mouth to muffle the sound too sharp in his ringing ears. He looked through the gap between the dumpster and the wall at the corner of the street he had left in a hurry. The figure, he now saw to be male, slowly came into view. The stranger paused at the corner of the block, nose aimed at the sky and mouth agape. Craig held his breath as the figure continued forward along what would have been Craig’s route to Tweek’s house.  

Craig sighed as the source of the shuffling footsteps passed him by. With his hands free of the bags at his side (and one hanging from his forearm), he took his cell phone out of his pocket and into his trembling hands. 

 

 

 

Craig sighed through his nose as he positioned his thumbs at the keyboard, typing out his message.

_ I’m fine, Tweek, I _

 

Craig left his message there without pressing the ‘send’ button. 

 

Over the beating of his out heart, he heard the same shuffling footsteps he had heard earlier, only now they were louder than ever. Shadows shot out from under the dumpster where feet blocked out the day’s remaining light. Craig froze, covering his mouth with the hand that wasn’t clutching at his phone. He slipped his hands into the handles of the grocery bags as he prepared to take off. The drug-addled man was rapidly approaching the corner of the dumpster that served as his hiding place. Craig quickly stood up to his feet. His mind ordered him once more:

 

_ RUN!! _

 

He grabbed the groceries in both hands, choosing to sling the heavier one directly at the stranger’s face before he could get a good look at his facial features (though he noted that the stranger had a dirty-looking flannel jacket, torn jeans and bloodied knuckles). He heard a pathetic whup as the loaf of wonderbread uselessly pelted against the stranger’s face and onto the ground, but he didn’t bother looking behind him as his legs burned with the need to get away as fast and as far as possible. 

Now on a totally different street, he ran past a couple confused neighbors and free-roaming dogs as he swung his head in every direction seeking a way back to the path he needed to be on. He just needed to get to Tweek’s house and he would be safe. He ran towards the end of the block toward the intersection of neighborhood streets and right into the path of the drug-addled stranger— No, this was someone different, but with the same unsteady gait and far-off look in his eyes. 

Craig immediately took off in the other direction, still following the houses that lined behind Tweek’s neighborhood street. He wouldn’t let himself stop. His feet ached upon every contact made with the asphalt propelling him forward.

Craig couldn’t keep running in this single direction though, and he turned when he saw a fences behind the houses separating backyards. Without hesitation, Craig ran full speed at the fence in preparation to jump, losing one of his grocery bags upon vaulting over it. He felt his leg graze the pointed tops before he landed into a sprint. He was almost there.

 

Two more houses flew past his vision before he found himself on Tweek’s doorstep, backing towards the entrance of the home as he gave one last quick glance around his surroundings. Craig yelped when he felt someone grab his arm and yank him backward.   
  


“Tweek what the fuck!!” Tweek ignored his boyfriend’s protests as the door slammed behind him. The jittery teen began frantically searching Craig’s person, grocery bags long since dropped on the floor out of surprise.  

“Are you okay?? Did they get you? Any bites, scrapes??? Did they come into contact with you at all? You gotta tell me, man!!” Tweek spat out in his panic. 

“No I’m fine I—hey!” Craig backed against the door when Tweek pushed up his left pant leg up to his knee, catching some of the fresh blood dripping down his shin. 

“Oh nononono FUCK!!!” Tweek screeched as soon as he saw the wound. “Did they do this to you???” he screamed, more anger than fear now, his fists balled at his side.

“Tweek---no!! No babe, I’m fine! Nobody,  _ nothing _ came in contact with me, okay? I just grazed my leg hopping a fence is all,” Craig raised his hands cautiously. Tweek’s movements stilled for only a moment, worried green eyes finally making contact with Craig’s reassuring blue. Then he suddenly sprang forward, pulling Craig into a rib-crushing hug. Craig tensed up, arms unsure of what to do with the trembling figure clinging to him.

“I—I was so worried, man!” Tweek’s voice came muffled against Craig’s chest. “You were gone for so long and didn’t message me back or anything I thought— I thought you were dead,” Tweek admitted, fighting sobs. Craig slowly brought his arms down and around the trembling blonde.       


“I’m not dead, Tweek. I’m standing right here,” Craig deadpanned. He felt something wet seep through the fabric of his t-shirt onto his collarbone. His left hand rubbed gentle circles into Tweek’s back as he spoke. “Deep breaths, honey. I’m here. I’m okay. Do you know what the fuck is going on?”

“It’s… It’s zombies, man!” Tweek looked up at his boyfriend with a panicked glare in his eyes. “It’s starting, the end of humanity as we know it!!”

Any ounce of worry was torn from Craig’s face as soon as the “Z” word was mentioned. 

“Zombies.” Craig repeated flatly.

“GAH!!!  _ Yes _ !! Zombies!!! Ghouls!! Walkers!! The living dead!!!” Tweek abandoned their shared embrace and threw his hands up in exasperation.

“Tweek it’s not—”

“Ugh… God sweet jesus I can’t breathe they’re gonna eat us alive,” Tweek grabbed at his chest and hair, still visibly trembling. “My heart keeps beating like a hammer, Craig!!!”

“Honey, listen to me—”

“BEATING LIKE A HAMMER!!!”

“Tweek! Zombies are a scientific impossibility! Even if a corpse is fresh and hasn’t yet gone through rigor mortis, there’s no systematic upkeep of the body itself which quickly deteriorates without the aid of—”    

“URRAAGH!! You always fucking do this, man!!” Tweek faced away from his boyfriend as his hand went to tug at his hair. “You can’t just fight everything with logic and skepticism all the time!!”

“Yes I can,” Craig crossed his arms.

“Can NOT!!!”

“Can too.” 

“NO!! Don’t do this, man!!! Especially not now!! Just— AUGH!! Just listen to me, okay??” 

Craig left silence in the air rise between them.

“Okay,” Craig sighed. “I’m all ears.”

“Just listen— How many scientifically implausible things have you seen happen in your lifetime?? If impossible things have been a constant in our lives, then ‘logically’ why would impossible things stop happening?? How many times were you hoping for predictable and realistic situations only to be met with situations that were neither?? Something is going on and I know it’s not just my imagination this time so would it kill you to just  _ TRUST ME FOR ONCE _ ??” Tweek was shaking even more now. 

Craig tried his best to not look as taken aback as he was. He thought about everything Tweek had been right about in the past, but— no, he thought of all the times he discounted what his boyfriend, his  _ best friend _ , had said in the past; everything that was important to him, everything he was scared of, and he thought of every time he had tried to get Craig to notice and just validate him when he needed it most from the person he trusted most. Being right wasn’t the issue. Not during these fragile moments.    

 

Craig sighed, dropping his arms in defeat. “Okay,” Craig submitted, leaving the words ‘I’m sorry’ abandoned on his tongue. “Okay you're right. We  _ have _ seen some weird shit.” 

Tweek nodded. “I mean… Even if it’s  _ not _ the walking dead, there’s still— I mean, all the signs are there but—”

“No, Tweek,” Craig sighed again. “All things considered, your theory makes sense in context with everything I’ve seen today.”

“So— so it’s… It’s really...” Tweek searched Craig’s eyes for any sign of jest. His eyes grew wide. “Shit... That’s why you jumped a fence, isn’t it?” Tweek pointed at Craig's leg. Craig nodded.

“Yeah,” he admitted. He thought about the feverish cashier with the bandaged arm, the pungent smell in the air, the lone heeled shoe in a parking lot, the shambling figure he assumed to be a drunkard following him home. “I… had to take a detour.”

“Shit,” Tweek clutched at the chest of his shirt and chuckled nervously. His expression changed into what almost looked like a smile, the corners of his mouth twitching with barely restrained sobs through his building hyperventilation. Craig knew that look in his eyes, the sudden onset of panic contained but slowly rising to the surface. 

“Tweek—” Craig walked towards him with his hands low in surrender, slowly reaching for Tweek’s. 

“You could have died—  _ We _ could die,” Tweek’s breaths became heavier. “ _ Everyone…  _ we’re— It’s over.” 

“It’s  _ not _ over,” Craig grabbed Tweek by the shoulders, forcing eye contact. “Of anyone in this town, this world, has the ability to survive this, it’s  _ us _ and do you want to know why?” he paused, watching Tweek’s face as he tried to get his breathing under control. 

Tweek looked at each of Craig’s eyes at a time, as though he might find the answer hidden within the deep blue irises.

“Because I have  _ you,”  _ Craig continued. “There’s no goddamn way you haven’t read at least 3 books on what to do in this kind of situation. You’re more intelligent and competent than anyone in this godforsaken town. You can do this. _We_ can do this.” 

“No… Nonono jesus I’m  _ not _ I—I  _ can’t _ —“ Tweek choked on sobs, feeling the walls close all around him.

“ _Yes_ you _can,_ and _you_ _know it too._ Just stop thinking about the future for one second, okay? _Think._ ” Craig moved forward to put his hands on Tweek’s shoulders again. “Think about what you _know._ What’s happening, where are we, and what can we do with what we have?” Craig could see him answer the questions in his head. “Just tell me what we have to do.”

Tweek took a few shaky breaths, trying to keep the tears in his eyes from rolling down his cheeks. “O—Okay,” Fear still trembled through the boy’s fingertips, but his back straightened with building resolve. With another sharp exhale, he began. 

“Our priority is safety and survival— food, water, shelter,” Tweek detached himself from Craig’s grasp and began pacing urgently. 

“Okay. Food. What are we going to do for food?”

“We eat perishables first, stockpile the rest. For water, we fill the bath and sinks with water and seal the plugs. Secure house entrances, arrange first aid kits, grab water bottles, fill canteens if we have any. I mean, most of these are temporary solutions, but—“

“But we take this one day at a time and come up with new strategies as problems arise,” Craig finished for him, attempting to erase any feelings of uncertainty Tweek had in his mind. Tweek smiled, before his expression hardened back into focus.

“Yeah… Yeah you’re right. We gotta be ready to flee at a moment’s notice, but for now, one of our safest options is to take everything to the upper level and destroy the staircase.”

_ “Destroy the staircase?” _

“Destroy the staircase. Grab a bag, I’ll tell you what we’ll need,” Tweek grabbed for the grocery bags on the floor and made his way to the kitchen.  

“See that?” Craig smiled. “You’ve  _ always  _ been this goddamn amazing. You’re smart and capable. You just have to be reminded sometimes.”

“Craig—“

“And when you  _ do _ remember, it’s the hottest thing ever,” Craig beamed. 

“CRAIG!! Help me out here!” Tweek called out as he piled all the food and canned goods around him on the floor, the grocery bags at either of his sides.

“Okay okay, but you’re only proving my point,” Craig mumbled under his breath.

“I heard that, you know!!” Tweek yelled.  He searched the grocery bags beside him. “Craig, where’s the bread?”

“Uh,” Craig looked at the wall, hand reaching to scratch under his hat. “...Self-defense?” 

 

“God fucking dammit.”

**Author's Note:**

> This story doesn't follow strict CotD canon I just read "Craig would be on his way to Tweek's house when the outbreak happens" and I took that idea and ran.
> 
> One thing you should know: If you ever think "oh yeah I can make a fake iphone screen on my digital art program it'll be easy" uh it kinda is Not. I know it's not exact (especially since this iphone doesn't have a text box at the bottom) but it gets the general point across. I don't know why I did this to myself it took me like 5 hours to get everything in place. Hopefully this works. I don't know how much ao3 likes loading images.
> 
> Go listen to the Craig of the Dead playlist I promise it will get you hype
> 
>  
> 
> [8tracks link](https://8tracks.com/spaceman-craig/craig-of-the-dead)  
> [YouTube link](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLfiHHZk7wuskIpwkysU53cEaO-kWIMmCo)
> 
>  
> 
> Also check out Phil's stuff!!!! They're on hiatus currently (I really hope they're okay???) but there's still a lot of really cool things they've made and now they're kinda one of my favorite artists????? Go check them out
> 
> https://tuckerenthusiast.tumblr.com/  
> http://askcraig-andthoseguys.tumblr.com/


End file.
